Assalammualaikum friends,
I have a story to tell, a story that spoken here and end here.. Maybe you and me have experienced this but this is the real story, the truth that haunts me for the pasts of my experience in a life of 'husband & wife'. This is an unsung melody, a melody of a pitch that is not perfect at all. But ALLAH grant us life, family and friends, where life must go on, no matter what. The story starts like this.....
The beginning...
Some people came to me, saying that, "Nadirah, it was magical, the wedding ceremony was the wedding of the year" and some says, "your wedding is like a fairytale, two match made in heaven"... phew alhamdulillah people feels that way... But ... there's always a but in life....
The real feeling of husband and wife for me and him moves and end quickly. In a month i got the tastes of a marriage life. I remembered that particular time before we got married, we would planned out how marriage life will be.. As a muslim, we planned to take care of our solat and reciting quran together. He posted things that only to the path of an islamic marriage life and i always thought that he will be the best husband that will lead me to Jannah.
The only time i felt, that connection was only the early of 3 days, after nikah... we cuddle, we solat together, we hold hands, and got to be together. but that 1 month says everything, and that everything is not always what everything you need. Negative, energy, negative thinking and always negative.... it was a fairytale disaster...
Imagine, a princess got married with this prince, and 1 day after that 3 days of true marriage life, the prince had a conversation with the princess, he ask to discuss things, the prince said, "once all of this finish, i will want you to stay at your parents kingdom and i will go far faraway land, where my palace will be there"... and the princess have no say at all, when she ask him, "what if i miss you dear husband, could i go to the palace at least just a day" and the prince says, "NO, there'll be other prince staying with me, and it is not appropriate for you to be there" and the princess with a sad and loneliness, obey her prince...
Why such anger why such hatred, the princess didn't even do anything to hurt the prince, all the princess did was just asking, love, tender and care. This newly weds, did not feel that marriage sparks or in another word, there's no 'zing'.
The Pain & Sickness....
I was really all alone, imagining i was in pain everyday, not for a second i had that peacefulness, with or without this man.. I remembered crying in pain every night, that causing my face to look sooo pale and swollen eyes, no smiles, tired most of the time and sleeps during at work. Even bosses starts to talk behind me, saying "she have marriage problem".. and i heard even some says, "nadirah dah tak cantik cantik dah" some even says, "nadirah tu suka melawa je"... seriously people starts to speculate your personal life in the office. Creating rumors that is actually none of their concern.
Besides having high blood pressure that caused for me to see doctor every week, i just encounter depression. I had to undergone to see a psychiatrist, i went to check my aura colors chakra, went to learn how to control depression, hypertension and alhamdulillah it gets better, but the minute when im with him, i start to lower myself to him made it even worst. I was always weak. But over the days, i start to control that feeling and put a smile on every disagreement he had on me. I said to him, "i trust ALLAH, and whatever you may thought about me, that was a tests, a tests for you to trust my sincerity and my doubts about whatever is happening" and i put a smile.
Baby in Mind....
Feeling of wanting a baby together, just something i see in my dreams.. whenever i see babies, i start to cry, i was talking and wishing to myself, 'if only, i could just hug and kiss those babies'.. Even during my high blood pressure checked up, doctor always said this, "nadirah, we are very afraid of BP Pressure, what if you conceived with a baby and you still cannot control your pressure" and the most depressed words coming out from my mouth says this, "Doctor, dont you worry, im not going to have babies at the mean time". Doctor with a curious face looked at me and said, "Do you plan with your husband? or you dont want a baby?". Immediately i said, "Doctor dont worry, i did not do anything with my husband and i dont think it is going to happen for now" but deep deep in my heart was saying... 'of course i want my own baby, Ya ALLAH please, i dont mean what i said, i really do want my own baby'... then the doctor asked, "are you ok with your husband?"... i said, "maybe we are getting a divorce" and the doctor talked to me, ask me questions of what happen, suddenly she said, "ok nadirah, right now we are not going to talk about husband or baby, now it's time to focus on your health, i want to help you to reduce your high blood pressure and be healthy" i agree but then, this tears starts to appear, i control myself.. not to cry now.... not to cry now...
As soon as im in the car..... all of this tears just non stop crying, i cried and cried while i was driving and i control it again when i reached to the office.
It was painful only ALLAH knows how i felt that time...
Weddings and Family Gatherings...
In November 2014, my cousin and my sister had their marriage ceremony during that month..
I have to control my feelings, i have to control my tears, this is people's wedding, i said to myself, 'nadirah, laugh while you can, only laughter can make you shut down those feelings'. and so i did...
Cousins, uncles and aunties whom did not know about my situations at that time would come to me and ask, "where is your husband?" and everytime my answers would be, "Oh, he is working, biasalah accountants kena pegi outstations" and people would just look and smile...
Thought i could do this, but during the nikah ceremony, the tok kadi said, "tanggungjawab suami selepas ni adalah besar, suami perlu bertanggungjawab ke atas isteri..............." and then, there it goes, i start to think too much, holding my cousin Nabihah's hands, suddenly, pop pop popppppp in my head, his face, those time when we fight, those time when we cuddle, those time when i smile at him and starts to blush, those time when he kiss my forehead.... i cant take it, and i cried.... and cried, and people looked at me curious, then they start to understand my situations but still with curiosity.
Then during my sister's wedding ceremony, i wanted so badly to see my husband, i was expecting him to come, but he did not came for both nikah and sanding ceremony at all...
During sister's Nikah day, it was the hardest, family would come to me and ask, "mana suami?" and i said, "Oh dia keje, jumaat kan susah nak amik cuti" that is just all, his parents came with the help of my uncle, picking and sending them to his home.. My sister had this videography, so they interviewed mum, dad, me, my aunt, my uncle, my cousin.. and so this is what the videographer ask me, "apa pendapat akak tentang cinta di alam perkahwinan"..........
Oh gosh, o ALLAH, my eyes starts to teary, i look at my aunt at the back of this guy, and she knows how i felt that time, she tried not to look back, as emotional as she is, she knew me and she too could not take it if we both looked at each other, straight away i look at the camera and i said " cinta di alam perkahwinan, adalah satu cabaran besar, samada kita boleh tangani dengan kebahagiaan atau dengan kekecewaan, it is not what we always imagine, those roses in the garden, that smile every morning you look at each other, it will be a roller coaster and a bumpy ride, tapi tangani setiap masalah together, dear muaz, please do take care of my sister, love her..............." i wanted to cry but i control myself.. i just control myself...
What i learn from all of this is to be mature.. I greet my mama and papa in law, i did not sat with mama and papa, as i was busy and i wish to ignore questions that i dont want to hear.. After the ceremony was over, my mother in law, said to me "bila dira nak balik semula ke rumah aizol" i looked at her, and said to myself, i could not answer that question, dont you remember dear mother, last time he said 'tengoklah, bila aizol rasa nak panggil, aizol panggil laaa' and i obey and i waited for him to call me, but he just vanished and went away... but then i said, "insyaALLAH mama, dira tunggu aizol amik dira kat sini" and smile and whenever she ask me more questions i just said insyaALLAH.. Papa was the one who truly understands me, he can't say anything, with that eyes i look at him (he had this sparkle of tears in his eyes), i can guess in my mind, he is saying 'im sorry for my sons action and please be tough dear'..
The next day, the sanding ceremony....
In the afternoon, i text him the location. i said to him "assalammualaikum awak, ni location ke tempat shia kawen" and he said, "ok, tapi saya tak boleh datang, ada kerja tapi saya akan hantar and ambil mama dan papa" you know what happen, my heart was crushed, like a wrecking ball... HE WRECKED MY HEART OUT... thinking, (daripada dia drop and pick up the parents from putrajaya to KL, why is it so hard for him to just sit and makan) i waited to see he drop off his parents but nothing, i dont see him anywhere near.. His parents came, and yet i don't see him greet my parents, he was such a stubborn husband, he never, never respects my parents.. I came to see his parents, i greet, i kiss and hug.. and that is all... my heart was crushed by his sons attitude.. i couldn't see the parents anymore, i ignored them, oh i felt so bad that time, i make myself very busy, but i was, and that was the last time i see mama & papa... oh ya ALLAH i regret of what i did, but i couldn't do it, i was sad.. i am so sorry. i have lost respects of what their son had did.. i am truly sorry... Again, i pull back all that sadness, i smile, i laugh and i took pictures but truly nobody knows how depressed i was actually.. Again, everybody asked me, "where is your husband?" and i said the same thing again and again, "Oh he is working"... "Oh on saturday?".... i said, "yeah that's the thing, but what to do some urgent things need fulfill" i smile......
The Family Holiday....
MasyaALLAH, going to Istanbul was the most hardest thing i have to face.. I wanted to be happy not to think about him... I text him for his permissions, i asked my cousin to advice me, in this situation, and Akhil said, "just let him know that you're going with mak and bak, to relax from the situation now and really need aizol to understand and agree with this decisions" and i did whatssap my husband, but he ignores me, did not reply and did not said anything... sadden by this, the whole trip to istanbul was a disaster to me, I CRIED AND CRIED watching love, sad movies and CRY..... while everybody was sleeping soundly the whole time in the airplane, i take my time to cry, i look at the night sky as we passes thru the whole journey, and talked to ALLAH in my heart, of how selfish he could do to this marriage. Everything i imagine just collapsed and crushed.
Arrive Istanbul, i just cannot see couples, i cannot look at newly wed couples, especially like my sister and my cousin whom just got married few weeks before that trip to istanbul. I try to ignore my feelings, but i cry when i can during night time. I love istanbul but i did not enjoyed myself with that pain in my heart, i wanted so badly to enjoy ISTANBUL with a husband, but yet, i see just myself in the mirror, still problems did not resolved.
The End of the Story....
Trials and pain we just had to go thru, really show me more to life.. i have been patient the whole time.. i am happily divorce now, alhamdulillah that i got to experience this, alhamdulillah that i am still alive, alhamdulillah getting better, i had truly gone thru that ROLLER COASTER RIDE... But that roller coaster stops at the end of the ride safely... Alhamdulillah, i have my parents, my family, doctors and friends that help me go thru this... I dont want to face this situation anymore, im praying that ALLAH SWT will truly give me the best.. i just have to wait and soon insyaALLAH no more pain to end in this story of my life again.
For anyone, whom i might hurt with my actions or anything i said, i am truly sorry.. always remember things happen for a reason.. May we pray that ALLAH will grant us all the best.. insyaALLAH Aamiin....
Lots of love from me and my true story...
Nadirah Mior <3
